They did what!
by Artemis Requiem
Summary: Lana/Archer pairing
1. Chapter 1

**I OWN NOTHING! I wish I did.**

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**I.S.I.S HQ, 7th Floor, 2:56 P.M.**

"What the shit, Mallory?!" Lana Kane said as she 'clomped' into her office. "What Dear?" Mallory said as she poured herself some gin. Lana threw a file down on her desk. "This?! I have to pose as that things wife?!" She pointed at Sterling Archer, Mallory's only son. "Well, I thought you wouldn't mind, you've already done it, like 44 times." Mallory stated as she sipped at the gin. Lana rubbed her forehead. "Mallory... I'm going to go home... I don't care if I get fired... I don't give a shit..." Lana Kane had finally broke. Sterling let her pass and walked over to his mother's desk. He sat down and grabbed her half full glass out of her hand. "Is she serious?" Mallory rolled her eyes, "Pregnancy... It makes you do the shittiest of things." Mallory smirked and slid the file over to Sterling. "If this does not be completed by Friday... so help me I will-" Archer interrupted her. "What Mother? Shove a dildo up my ass?" Clearly, Sterling had not gotten over the Italian Prime Minister. "Oh Shut up, and go get Lana."

**Lana Kane's apartment, 3:26 P.M.**

Lana sat on her couch reading a magazine when Archer knocked on her door. She sighed, grabbed a gun, and headed to the door. "What?" She yelled. "Will you please do this mission with me, I sure as hell don't wanna do it with Pam." Lana chuckled, "Bull shit." She opened the door, Sterling had flowers. "Shall we, Honey?" Lana gave him an annoyed look then Lana waved it off and walked out out the apartment, closing the door behind her. "Let's go," She said as she grabbed Archer's keys from his back pocket. "Hell no." He snatched them back. "I can drive way better then you," Lana stated as the two walked down the hallway to the elevator. "Please, You're a woman." They stepped in and Lana hit Archer on his shoulder. "What the Hell Does That Mean?!" She yelled, "It means, You have road rage and well you are more likely to drive into the D-" Lana interrupted him, "DON'T YOU FUCKING SAY IT!" She yelled, "Danja Zone." She smacked him and they walked out of the elevator reaching the lobby. Lana slapped him again when they reached his car. Archer hopped in the driver seat and smirked when he noticed Lana getting in the passengers seat, seeing that he won. Lana rolled her eyes and put her head against the window. "So, Where is this mission anyway?" She asked as they pulled out of the parking lot. "Somewhere in Florida. Mother has our plane tickets reserved." Lana smiled and fell asleep.

**New York Airport, 4:47 P.M.**

Lana and Archer got on their plane, Lana was still tired, considering her nap on the ride to the airport. Archer smiled when they sat down in first class. He grabbed a Bloody Mary off the tray beside him. Lana gave him another annoyed look. "What?" He chuckled, Lana rolled her eyes. "Wake me when it's over." She laid her head on his shoulder. He made a weird face then decided to drop it.

**9:43 P.M., (I didn't know how long New York to Florida is... so I guessed. Don't hate)**

Lana woke up to Sterling grabbing at her ass. She smacked him, "OW! Damn Cricket Bats." He let go of her and put a hand on his cheek. Lana chuckled at herself. "Ass." She got up and grabbed their bags.

They got off the plane and Lana held Sterling's hand. He didn't mind, they were posing as Wife and Husband. Archer rented a car and Lana grabbed the keys out of the man's hand. "NO! You aren't driving!" Archer yelled as he chased after Lana. Lana ran to their rental and hopped in, She started it and put it in gear before Archer made it to the car. He sighed and got in the passengers seat. "If I die today, least it will be with a Bloody Mary." He held a Themos up. Lana rolled her eyes and started to drive out of the lot.

**I.S.I.S's Secret Penthouse, 10:34 P.M.**

****Lana was asleep and Archer was keeping an eye out for their targets. He decided to take a break with some scotch. He sat on the lavender sofa and turned on the tv. After a while, Lana came in wrapped in a blanket. She sat next to Archer. "What are you doing up?" Lana smiled, "I don't know." Archer rolled his eyes, "Right." Lana scooted in close to him and laid her head down on his arm. They both sat there watching TV. Then they both fell asleep.

I'll do another chapter if this gets good ratings.


	2. Chapter 2

**I was On vacation and let my friend write some, Hope he did good. - Arty**

**I.S.I.S HQ 3 Days after the Mission, 8:04 A.M.**.

Lana walked into work with a smile. That was rare so Cheryl had to ask. "What's got your head?" Lana rolled her eyes and ignored her. She walked into Mallory's office and found Archer arguing with his Mother. "Why Does she get it?! I'm Your SON! Mother!" Mallory nodded and looked at the paper on her desk. "Well... You're getting my apartment and get to keep your job." Lana cleared her throat. The two turned their heads. "Lana dear... Sit down." Lana did as she was told. Archer gave her one of his 'I hate you' looks. Mallory handed her the paper. She looked over it with suprise. "This is your will, Mallory!" Mallory nodded, "Yes I know dear." Lana got to the bottom of the paper.

_I.S.I.S. Headquarters, C.E.O Job. - Lana Kane_

"You're... giving me I.S.I.S?" Mallory nodded, "Why?" Lana asked as she cocked her head two times at Archer. Mallory nodded, "Sterling, Dear give us a minute." Archer rolled his eyes and took his Mother's gin bottle with him out of the office. Mallory got up and stared out the window overlooking Manhatten. "Lana... You're the only one qualified to run I.S.I.S." Lana hesitated on a reply... She mostly just thought about how Cheryl had said the same thing. Least three months ago...

_"Please if you really cared, you resign, but there's no way you ever will because, you're just counting the days, her face bloated and yellow, she calls you ro her death bed and in a croaky whisper, explains that Mr. Archer is in compentent and that you, Long Suffering, Lana Kane, are the only one qualified to run I.S.I.S. and you weep shameful tears because you know this place is the only true love you will ever know." _

Lana looked at Mallory's reflection in the window, no Yellowness or bloatiness. She finally decided to ask the question that may break her chance to become C.E.O. "Are you dying?"

Mallory nodded, "Damn Doctors say I have 2 weeks to live. HA! If I can live 9 months with Sterling in my stomach... I can out live 2 weeks." Lana smiled, "I shall take my leave then..." She got up and walked out of the office passing Archer. He mumbled, and she turned her head at him. "What?" She asked as he shifted uncomfortable. "I said, Congratulations." Not giving a damn, Lana nodded and walked into her current boyfriend's office. "Hey Ho!" Cyril said as he did his geeky shit. Lana sat on his desk and looked at the computer screen. "Mallory's dying." Cyril looked up, "Really?" Lana nodded, "I get her job and the building." Cyril's eyes widen. "What about Archer?" Lana shrugged, "Mostly just her apartment." Cyril looked down at his computer. "And... His job?" Lana hesitated. "I don't know..."

Cyril smirked,"Fire that douche." Lana shook her head, "Bye, Sterfriday?" Cyril waved, "I'll be there!" Lana walked out, "What are you going to do?" She heard Ray say from her 3:00. "I don't know, Why aren't you with Pam?" Ray shook his head, "She tried to eat me." Lana smiled, "That must suck." Ray chuckled, "You still love him don't you." Lana's eyes widen. "What? No!" Ray smirked, "Yeah Yeah, Whatever." Lana rolled her eyes and strolled off. Walking past Archer she gave him the middle finger which made him give her one back. "Douche," Sterling rolled his eyes and cupped Lana's ass. Her eyes widen and slapped him, "Massive asshole!" Sterling chuckled. "Your's probably is as tight as the caps on the Orange drinks you drink." Lana opened her mouth to speak but she didn't want to hear his voice, so natually she kissed him. Awkwardly... to be exact.

When she pulled back, Sterling pulled her back. Hoping she wouldn't notice his growing erection. Mallory walked out of her office and saw them. She gave them a disgusted look and said, "Get a room. I don't want that to be in my mind when I die." She walked back into her office. Sterling let go and Lana backed up. "Well..." Sterling chuckled, "You started it." Lana smirked, "Yes I did, and you finished it." Sterling smiled, "Not yet." He walked off with his... erection. Lana knew what he ment... He was going to get a one bed hotel room on one of their missions and play... with her. It never worked though.

**Malory Archer's Office, 12:47** **P.M.**

"New Mission, Trudy Beakmen... Kill Her." Lana looked at Archer who was rubbing the top of his glass. "Alright... How?" Mallory rubbed her forehead, "I don't know... That's my final mission for you two..." Archer looked down, "Oh yeah." Lana got up. "We'll do it." Archer looked up at her. "I suppose," He got up and they got their tickets from Cyril. After a kiss goodbye from Cyril, Lana grabbed Sterling's hand. He smirked and Cyril nodded awkwardly. "Okay..." Lana smiled and they walked to the elevator. Lana and Sterling were thinking the same thing...

No one did anything thougb. Lana may have kissed him, but... She was loyal. You know... except when she was horny or annoyed. Sterling did put his hand around her waist. They got into Sterling's car and Lana looked at Archer. "What?" He asked as he started the car. "You're an ass... Why did I love you?" He shrugged, "I heard my Awesomeness works on women." She rolled her eyes and they drove out of the building's parking lot.

**Trudy Beakmen's Apartment, 1:12 P.M.**

"What if they come home?" Lana asked as Sterling on the couch. "Were killing them... Duh, So... We just wait until she gets home and BOOM!" Lana sat next to him, What are we going to do then?" Sterling smirked, "There is a bed in the next room..." Lana rolled her eyes, "No, They sleep on a bear... She said sacastically." Archer put a hand in his pants. "You sure...? The guy misses you." Lana gave him a annoyed look, "I bet he does." She punched Sterling's Private. He grabbed his balls and started mumble curse words. "What the fuck man hands?!" She kissed his forehead. "Sorry." She got up and stood in front of the door with her guns aimed and ready. "Come on... At least kiss my balls." Lana shrugged, Holistered her weapons and walked over to Sterling. She slapped him, and went back to her position. He held the side of his face. "You love me..."


	3. Chapter 3

They had been there two hours, Archer had to pee... badly. "Lana..." He whispered, she turned her head, from the position she had kept. "What?" He had a poker face on and was about to piss himself. Lana rolled her eyes, "Go," she said with a annoyed look. "Don't pee on the toilet seat, or anywhere... and flush for fuck's sake." Archer nodded while getting up, "We wouldn't want fuck to not happen, do we Lana?" He ran to the back hallway, and Lana rolled her eyes, putting her weapon down and sitting on the couch. "I bet the Beakman's aren't even coming home. She grabbed the remote and turned on the tv, flipping through the channels she stopped when she saw the news.

_"Cheryl Tunt, found drunk and almost dead, was arrested today, for vandalism, thievery, and assaulting a officer." _

Lana rolled her eyes, and Archer came back into the living room. "Can you believe this?" Lana said as she pointed to the tv, which currently had a picture of Cheryl... or Carol... or Krissstaal... Sterling sat next to her. "I could, I bet the train drawf got her." He said as he scooted close to Lana. She looked at him funny and went back to flipping channels. Archer looked down, "You sure... You don't want to give me a Lana?" He asked as he looked at Lana. "No, plus- Why the hell do you men call... my blow jobs and hand jobs a Lana?" Sterling shrugged, "You got man hands... so It's like being gay... so instead of it being called a gay job, we call it a Lana." Lana slapped him, he smiled and they heard the door unlock. Lana jumped up, and grabbed her guns. Archer pulled a pistol off Lana's belt. Which ended with Lana's pants falling down, he laughed. Trudy walked into the living room.

Lana stumbled up, Archer caught her before she fell. "What in the heavens is going on?" She pulled a gun out of her coat, Lana raised hers. Archer was chuckling at Lana's lower body, seeing that her pants were still down.


End file.
